So Obsessed


Do you watch Game of Thrones?
Dude I’m Obsessed with Game of Thrones. Seriously, I’m obsessed with it. If I could secretly
stop taking birth control and then accidentally let Game of Thrones get me pregnant so we’d
be together forever, I would. I’m THAT obsessed. OK no no no. I call Game of Thrones at home,
like, all the time. Like at 4 o’clock in the morning I’ll just call, and Game of Thrones
will wake up and be all groggy and disoriented and be like, “Hello?” And I’ll just breathe
into the phone, right, I’m just like [breathes creepily]. And Game of Thrones is like, “Who
is this? Why are you doing this? Stop!” And they hang up, and then like 2 minutes later
I call back again and do the exact same thing because I’m obsessed with Game of Thrones.
No, like I’M obsessed with Game of Thrones. I’m Obsessed with it. I’m so Obsessed with
it. Obsessed. So obsessed. Hey guys. Hey. Sorry I’m late. No probs, whoah
Kakes is that green juice? Oh yeah, I’m like obsessed with green juice, it’s all that I
drink. I’m like obsessed with green juice, like sometimes, I park my car outside of green
juice’s house and I take creepy photos through green juice’s window and then I cover all
the walls in my bedroom with those photos, cause I’m a stalker and I’m…I’m obsessed
with green juice. I’m obsessed with green juice and my obsession
has manifested itself as a compulsion to eat little pieces of couch cushion every time
I can’t be around green juice. I take very serious medication to cope with my obsession
with green juice because I’m so obsessed with green juice.
I don’t think you guys understand, like I’m actually not even allowed to be within 200
feet of green juice, by order of the state of New York, cause I’m like that obsessed
with it, like, but I drink it anyway. Last week, I got sent to jail for breaking my restraining
order with green juice and I, like, stabbed a guard in the face there. I’m seriously OBSESSED
with green juice. I’m obsessed with green juice. Like, this is the best juice. I love
it, it’s good for you. Obsessed. Nutrients. Capital O obsessed. I’m obsessed.
Hey have you guys been following that Syria news…stuff?
Wait, have you guys heard the new Kesha song? Um OBSESSED. Uh nononono. I’M obsessed with
the new Kesha song. Like I’ve been telling my family and everybody in my office that
that new Kesha song is my boyfriend and I’m like so deep into the lie that there’s no
way I can back out and save face, because I’m so obsessed with the new Kesha song. I
don’t think you even can compete with how obsessed that I am with the new Kesha song,
like, I just cut off my big toe and I sent it to the new Kesha song in the mail. No,
you guys, like I’m obsessed with the new Kesha song. So obsessed. Like, like I kidnapped
the Kesha song and I keep it chained to the radiator in my apartment and I spoonfeed it
yogurt and I tell it how much I love it and I yell, “I’M ONLY HURTING YOU TO PROTECT YOU
FROM THE PEOPLE THAT ARE REALLY TRYING TO HURT YOU, WHY WON’T YOU LET ME LOVE YOU, NEW
KESHA SONG!” OK, ew, you know that’s just a song, right?
Freak. I know. I have a problem. I’m too obsessed. Ohh it’s OK. It’s OK. Whoah, Tom, man, what
do you put in your hair. It’s so soft. I love it. Wow, this…I’m like OBSESSED with your
hair. BACK OFF I SAW HIM FIRST.