The ‘Full House’ When Cigarettes Were Cool And Steph Was A Loser


(light music) – [Narrator] Steph is having
a junior high clothes crisis. It’s so bad she’s consulting
that tie for fashion advice. Two weeks into 6th grade,
Steph has zero friends. But I’m sure this outfit
will turn things around. – Just be cool, and most importantly, don’t let them smell your fear. – [Narrator] Don’t shit your pants. Always great advice. Stephanie struggles to dry her hands, forgetting she’s wearing
a king size bed sheet. She remedies the situation
by dragging toilet paper across the nasty floor. A cool 7th grader named Mickey
bathroom befriends here. Steph offers a wet handshake. Run, Mickey! It’ll only get worse. Joey and Jesse have a teen advice segment on their radio show. Who the fuck cares? Steph brings home a real live
friend, and Danny is elated! Until–
– Can I get you anything? – How ’bout a note to get
me out of gym tomorrow? I’m kidding. (laughing) I write my own notes. – [Narrator] Dad alarms going off. – She showed me how to get free donuts from the teacher’s lounge. – [Narrator] Dad alarms intensifying. Can she stay for dinner? Sure. – Thanks, but it’s my turn to
make dinner for me and Janet. – Your sister?
– My mother. – [Narrator] Dad alarms Code Red. – Isn’t she cool, Danny? – [Narrator] Dad alarms
through the goddamn roof. He says, Mickey seems
dangerous, a synonym for cool. Steph gets aggro-defensive
about this person she met three seconds ago, and yells, Danny doesn’t know her, something they both have in common. Mickey’s helping Steph
with some 19-year-old, single mother makeup, when
Kelly, Gia, and Lisa stroll in. Steph says some dorky, awkward,
loser shit nobody likes. Classic Steph. They start talking about how they want to bang the math teacher. – Check out the bod on
that new math teacher. – [Narrator] And offer Steph a smoke. Oh, snap! How will she react? Bah, cigarettes, bah! She politely declines with some dorky, awkward loser shit nobody likes. Classic Steph. Mickey vouches for Steph,
so Gia says, hang with her, but Mickey’s more addicting
to smooth menthol flavor than Stephanie at this
particular juncture. Steph stomps in and
hits friend rock bottom with these dumb tots playing a card game they’re making up as they go along. Hey, where’s Mickey? Danny wanted to drug test her
hair when she wasn’t looking. What’s with all the questions, Dad? Steph is outta here. Okay, now she’s at friend rock bottom. She asks the twins if
this makes her look cool. It doesn’t. Nothing does. Aunt Becky returns, and Steph wafts away her imaginary smoke. She’s a moron, and Becks tries to help by telling Steph about her childhood, but only makes her feel worse, because she’s always been hot, therefore, life has always been awesome. The teen advice show
gets a call from Olga. It’s Steph doing a bad impression of a foreign exchange
student being peer pressured. – What you call, cigarettes? – [Narrator] They take turns
telling her smoking sucks and is gross, and welcome to America. Great radio show. Danny recognized Olga’s voice. He’s proud Steph bravely
chose not being cool, something she was previously
doing involuntarily. – Why does she have to smoke? – [Narrator] It makes you
look cool and it’s something to do with your hands. Next question. Steph doesn’t know what to
do next time she sees Mickey. Avoid eye contact? Invite her to the Netflix spinoff
for an episode about meth? – You just hang in there, ’cause believe it or not, it gets easier. – [Narrator] A lie for anyone
who has ever hung in there. Mickey and the gals find
Steph in the crapper. Gia talks smack, Step talks it back. – You want a smoke? Oh, that’s right. You quit. – Yeah, I guess I’m just
a big fan of breathing. (Mickey laughing) – [Narrator] Mickey must’ve
blazed one before homeroom, because that was not funny. Gia dips, but Mickey’s staying
behind with her friend. And we do see Mickey again,
because she gave up smoking and replaced it with talking
about banging the math teacher. – Did you see what Mr. Lucas was wearing? – [Narrator] So what did we learn today? Anyone your dorky dad doesn’t
like is 100% confirmed cool, and cigarettes are gross
and bad, but also cool, plus something to do with your hands. Kind of a fair trade. And you don’t need to
smoke to have friends. But if you need friends who don’t smoke, you’ll wind up hanging with Stephanies. See you next time on “A
Very Special Episode.”